How are you listening? Here's what Seth Godin has to say about listening...
Seth Godin - There are Two Ways to Listen
What are you going to do today to demonstrate that you are really listening?
Friday, March 21, 2014
Friday, July 5, 2013
Empty Nesting? Hold the Tissue and Bring on the Biking Gear! Four Tips for Successful Empty-Nesting.
 |
| Shannon and Kathy celebrating New Year's Eve in Thailand |
Empty
Nesting? Hold the Tissue and Bring on the Biking Gear! Four Tips for Successful
Empty-Nesting.
After
thirty years, I have my life back and I am absolutely giddy about it. I know I
am not going to win any parenting awards by writing this, but it needs to be
said that empty-nesting is great! For the past few months as we approached my
youngest daughter’s high school graduation I was consoled in advance by so many
people who told me how hard it was going to be to let her go, how empty and lonely
my life would be and how quiet the house would become. Well, let me tell you
that of all of those boding predictions - my house is certainly quiet…and I love
it! Like any transitional time, there are challenges, but I am finding that I
was not adequately prepared for the challenges I am facing so I thought I would
share them so that others can be better prepared to enjoy and celebrate empty
nest.
For
thirty years I have been responsible for someone else. My children were spread
apart and as a result, I have been worrying, taking care of and having to plan
around my children since 1983. And, while I love my children dearly and they
are good kids every decision I have made in the last thirty years has been made
with their well-being, their schedule and activities in my mind. Granted
sometimes those decisions were made with other priorities in mind too, but
consideration was always given to the impact on my family. I realized what an
impact this had had on me when I was invited to attend a silent retreat over a
weekend this fall and it took my breath away to realize that this was the first
opportunity in thirty years that I would have to do something and I didn’t have
to think about who would be caring for my children while I was away. WOW what a
freeing feeling!
Lest
you think I gave up opportunities to go away or travel during the last 30
years, you might want to catch my food and travel blogs; I have led a
no-regrets life and have traveled extensively throughout my entire life
sometimes with my children and sometimes without. However, planning and
consideration always had to happen before I could undertake an adventure, whether
it was to Africa when my youngest was 2, or when traveling with one of my
children and not the other, or when my husband and I wanted to go away on a
little retreat of our own, we always had to think about what needed to happen
for the kids to be able to live their lives while we were gone. And
unfortunately, that hasn’t always gone smoothly -both of my daughters have stories
to tell about the ride that never picked them up from an activity, or a
hospital visit while their Mom was half way around the world. But those stories
build character and my kids have a lot of character.
The
difficulty in the transition to an empty nest has been finding a new schedule
that works for me, in not watching too much daytime TV (because I can and not
get caught by my kids who might pop home from school for lunch) and in trying not
to feel guilty that I am not feeling bad about being an empty nester. I decided
to write this article to share with others that it is okay to celebrate and
feel liberated about being an empty nester and that there is no guilt necessary
if you feel as good as I do. I have included 4 tips that are helping me through
this transition and would love to hear from you if you have discovered others. Enjoy:
·
Have confidence in your
children:
Perhaps this is the reason I am celebrating so much, my job was to raise them
to go out there and be great world citizens and they are ready. They were
prepared to “leave the nest” and knew that it was their responsibility to
venture out and try every opportunity that comes their way. We have worked very
hard over the last thirty years to prepare them for their next adventure and
they are ready, I am so excited to see great things they are involved in, their
new adventures, the new people they meet, the ways that they will give back and
we can’t experience that until they fly out on their own. That excitement and confidence
in what they will accomplish overcomes any fear that might drive anxiety about
having an empty nest. Have confidence in your children.
·
Rediscover a passion: Whether it is
reading, sewing, gardening, or sky-diving - find something that has always been
in the back of your mind to do, something that peaks your interest and try it. I
have been experimenting with a few projects that I can dive into and stay into
until complete (oftentimes hours later…without interruption!). Try something
new and keep trying something until you find your passion. You will know it
when you feel it, so keep trying new things until you find that “something”
that fills you with energy. So often, we put ourselves on the back burner while
tending to our family and may file away something we “just don’t have time for”
- now is the perfect time. This may be a challenge because it is familiar to
say, “I just don’t have time”, well, now is the perfect time, you are
staring out on a new chapter yourself and stepping outside the box is a great
way to begin. If nothing comes to mind immediately, explore, encourage yourself
to venture out as you would have your children as they moved to new
developmental levels.
·
Add movement to your
life: Whether
a walk with your spouse, dog, neighbor, friend, or running, swimming, biking -
add movement to your life and begin immediately. Even if you already exercise,
the physical requirements of having children and engaging in their activities
and events in life take energy and create movement. With this natural experience
of movement removed, it is easy to become sedentary (and maybe even feel a
little depressed), get fit, stay fit, take a yoga class, start somewhere. Not
only will this help you feel good, but taking a class will also help you engage
in a social activity of your own. You no longer have a “natural” social circle
of all of your kids’ parents to connect with at various events - so develop
your own social activities and include exercise or movement into those
experiences for a double benefit.
·
Experiment with a
variety of schedules:
Find a schedule that works for you: For thirty years my schedule has revolved
around school, activities and later; waiting up until all of the teenagers were
safely home and now, I don’t have to be concerned about any of that. We have
been experimenting with scheduling around meals, exercising and quiet time and
I have especially loved being able to ride my bike late in the afternoon without
a dinner deadline and having quiet time in the early morning without having to
get the kids to school. Since my office is in my home, this is the most
impacting tip because my work schedule was closely intertwined with the kids’
daily activities so I am enjoying having new ways to think about how I
structure my day. This has also been the most critical tip because without
discovering a schedule that works for the new adventure that I am embarking on,
I found I was artificially bound to a schedule that I had not had any control
over and I needed to get in touch with a schedule that really worked for me.
You may find that your regular routine works for you, but at least give this a
try so that you can be intentional about a schedule that works for you.
I
had the good fortune of being an early empty-nester; our youngest daughter was
invited to participate in an early session at the University she is attending,
so I am ahead of the curve. In a few weeks at the end of the summer, many more
parents will be going through this experience of being a first-time empty
nester and I wanted to let you all know that it is a wonderful time of life,
embrace it. This doesn’t mean you aren’t going to miss your kids, nor does it
mean that they won’t come back (those are both different articles). If you
follow these four tips for successful empty nesting, you too, will be
celebrating the new chapter that you are beginning; one filled with passion,
new adventures, exploration and discovery of yourself and overflowing with
pride and confidence that you have done your job, your children are ready and
the world awaits them…and you.
Sunday, May 5, 2013
A Mother’s Day Gift
A Mother’s Day
Gift
May 9, 1995. The day I almost died. The day my daughter
was born. A woman dying in childbirth in the 1990’s is almost unheard of, an
anomaly. Imagine my husband’s shock when the doctors told him they did not know
if I would live. I was equally stunned when the next day; I woke in intensive
care with several doctors hovering over my bed. My last, blurry memory was the
doctor saying the procedure was simple and should only take twenty minutes. My
last vision was my older daughter holding my new baby as they wheeled me to the
operating room. Images floated like a movie dream sequence.
We moved to rural Minnesota from Boulder, Colorado seven
years ago with no plans to add to our family. When I discovered I was pregnant,
I interviewed all the doctors available, settling for a team close to home. It
was a little scary because my previous pregnancies had been complicated. Our
first baby, now twelve years old, was born after eight weeks of premature labor
and two-hour delivery. Our second died of cord strangulation. This pregnancy
already had all the signs of a long ordeal.
I woke with that telltale feeling, called morning
sickness, which for me lasted twenty-four hours a day, five months of the nine.
Vomiting twelve times a day, unable to eat, smell or look at anything closely
resembling food, I lost weight, At three months, after losing twelve pounds in
ten days, I dragged myself to my doctor for help. I finally got relief from
vitamin injections allowing me to eat again and get out of bed without the
world spinning around me. Food began to taste good and my baby and I started
growing again.
At twenty-five weeks, almost fully recovered from my
marathon bouts of morning sickness, I was feeling good. Then the contractions
began. At this point the baby’s chance of survival were extremely low so I was
ordered to complete bed rest. Highly medicated and under close supervision, I
worked from my bed: computer, telephone, and fax machine at hand. The
contractions continued, my medication dosages increased, and my husband and I
began researching information about premature babies. The cause of the
contractions would remain a mystery until delivery. Inching closer to my due
date, the urgency to maintain the pregnancy subsided. Finally, miraculously, we
were just ten days away from the original due date.
On the first contraction my uterus ruptured, creating
pain greater than anything I had ever experienced. Fortunately, my husband was
at his office only minutes away and the hospital was close. By the sixth
contraction I was pushing, and my husband was trying to get me into the car. By
the eighth contraction the emergency room staff was trying to get me out of the
car – despite the fact that my feet were firmly planted on the dashboard and I
was convinced my baby would be born in the car. They yanked me out and got me
into the elevator just in time for the baby’s head to crown. Minutes later, on
the twelfth contraction she was born. For one split second I remember thinking,
“Wow, it’s over—that was really fast.” Suddenly I realized our baby was not
breathing. “What’s happening, what’s happening?” I cried hysterically from my
bed, “Is she breathing? What’s wrong? Why isn't she making any noise?” The
doctors and nurses were too busy trying to resuscitate the flaccid, blue baby
to answer. After several agonizingly long minutes, she responded. Quietly at
first, then working up to a stronger cry, she was breathing, but she was still
floppy. They let me look at her beautiful little face for a moment, then
whisked her away for additional medical care. I was stunned at the speed of the
delivery and checked the clock for perspective. It was 4:45, the first
contraction hit at 4:10. Wow! A little while later, a nurse came in to tell us
our little baby was doing well and we could relax.
An hour later, I began shaking uncontrollably; warm
blankets did not help. I was still bleeding and nothing seemed to stop the
heavy flow. The doctor was getting frustrated with me and told me to stop
resisting their efforts to massage my uterus. With each palpitation I could
feel the blood pooling and gushing inside me. The pain was incredible.
Everything was covered in blood. My slippers were soaked and the nurses kept
replacing the blood filled chucks and blankets. Two hours later, the visibly
concerned nurse urged the doctor to check me again. Two and one half hours
after delivery, my blood pressure dropped severely, and my veins were on the
verge of collapse, and the doctor decided to take me to the operating room for
exploratory surgery. She told my husband and me that it would be a simple,
twenty minute procedure. At 7:15 p.m., I was wheeled away and my husband, who
had yet to eat, decided to go out while I was in surgery.
Hospital staff were waiting for him at the door as he
returned (this is before cell phones) and rushed him to the operating area. My doctors explained that I was
in serious condition; they could not find the source of the bleeding and they
were not sure I would live. My hemoglobin had dropped dangerously low and they
needed his permission to do a hysterectomy to try to stop the bleeding. He
consented to the surgery and went to the nursery to wait with our baby. Minutes
ticked into hours as he sat holding our precious daughter. Rocking with her,
the hours passed and he wondered if she would grow up without knowing her mother.
Finally, at 1:15 a.m., the doctors came to tell him when they lifted out my
bladder they found the rupture in my uterus – it was shredded. The hysterectomy
had stopped the hemorrhaging but I was still in critical condition.
I regained consciousness in intensive care, confused. The
crowd hovering over me included three doctors, two anesthesiologists and two
nurses. The anesthesia started to pull me back under while one doctor tried to
explain that they had been forced to do a hysterectomy. I drifted back to sleep
thinking, “Isn't it a little early to talk about birth control?” It was several
days before I could comprehend what had happened. On Mother’s Day, over a week
later, my baby and I went home. Although the healing process was slow, we have
all fully recovered.
The birth of our second daughter brought us the
unexpected, incredible gift of the awareness of our fragile existence. Shannon
will be nineteen this May and her simple presence reminds us daily to cherish
each moment.
 |
Shannon and Kathy Getting Ready to Ring in 2013
on New Year's Eve in Thailand |
Authors Note: I chose to put this story on my "Listening" blog as a call to action...although this happened 18 years ago, one of the things I remember clearly as my life was slipping away was that the doctor would not listen to me and kept blaming me for not cooperating when I complained of the pain, nor would she listen to the nurse who finally got her attention when she carried a chuck (a large blue plastic tarp-like fabric) filled with the blood that I had just lost...that finally got her attention. My recovery lasted close to six months as a result of the doctor's inattentiveness and unwillingness to listen, resulting in my massive blood loss. Doctors please listen to your patients, patients, please advocate on your own behalf and listen to your own body so you can accurately represent your situation. Everyone - listen to each other! Who knows whose life you may save...it could be your own...
Kathy Stutzman lives in Austin, Minnesota and celebrated her youngest's eighteenth birthday and subsequent graduation in June of 2013. Their family loves to travel, bike, play games and sit around the campfire and tell stories. Kathy is a writer, facilitator and world citizen who has chosen to live life to its fullest since her near death experience. Other blogs that Kathy writes include: onehundreddaysofgiving.blogspot.com and mamacarusocooks.blogspot.com and csksghana.blogspot.com To contact Kathy visit her kathystutzman.blogspot.com, @KathyStutzman or via e-mail www.mamacaruso@yahoo.com - What are you going to do today to live life to its fullest?
Monday, December 3, 2012
Trying to listen...
Alright, so I stopped listening to the radio (I already don't watch the news on television) about 6 weeks before the election because I was getting really stressed by the antagonistic rhetoric; I left the country shortly after the election where I was tuned into world events at a different level than in the US, and now I am back and the media seems to be working overtime to increase the stress levels over the fiscal cliff. The stress inducing information does not seem proportinate with my experience...how are others handling, processing and dealing with being connected and informed, but not overwhelmed and manipulated?
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)