Friday, July 5, 2013

Empty Nesting? Hold the Tissue and Bring on the Biking Gear! Four Tips for Successful Empty-Nesting.

Shannon and Kathy celebrating
New Year's Eve in Thailand
Empty Nesting? Hold the Tissue and Bring on the Biking Gear! Four Tips for Successful Empty-Nesting.

After thirty years, I have my life back and I am absolutely giddy about it. I know I am not going to win any parenting awards by writing this, but it needs to be said that empty-nesting is great! For the past few months as we approached my youngest daughter’s high school graduation I was consoled in advance by so many people who told me how hard it was going to be to let her go, how empty and lonely my life would be and how quiet the house would become. Well, let me tell you that of all of those boding predictions - my house is certainly quiet…and I love it! Like any transitional time, there are challenges, but I am finding that I was not adequately prepared for the challenges I am facing so I thought I would share them so that others can be better prepared to enjoy and celebrate empty nest.

For thirty years I have been responsible for someone else. My children were spread apart and as a result, I have been worrying, taking care of and having to plan around my children since 1983. And, while I love my children dearly and they are good kids every decision I have made in the last thirty years has been made with their well-being, their schedule and activities in my mind. Granted sometimes those decisions were made with other priorities in mind too, but consideration was always given to the impact on my family. I realized what an impact this had had on me when I was invited to attend a silent retreat over a weekend this fall and it took my breath away to realize that this was the first opportunity in thirty years that I would have to do something and I didn’t have to think about who would be caring for my children while I was away. WOW what a freeing feeling!

Lest you think I gave up opportunities to go away or travel during the last 30 years, you might want to catch my food and travel blogs; I have led a no-regrets life and have traveled extensively throughout my entire life sometimes with my children and sometimes without. However, planning and consideration always had to happen before I could undertake an adventure, whether it was to Africa when my youngest was 2, or when traveling with one of my children and not the other, or when my husband and I wanted to go away on a little retreat of our own, we always had to think about what needed to happen for the kids to be able to live their lives while we were gone. And unfortunately, that hasn’t always gone smoothly -both of my daughters have stories to tell about the ride that never picked them up from an activity, or a hospital visit while their Mom was half way around the world. But those stories build character and my kids have a lot of character.

The difficulty in the transition to an empty nest has been finding a new schedule that works for me, in not watching too much daytime TV (because I can and not get caught by my kids who might pop home from school for lunch) and in trying not to feel guilty that I am not feeling bad about being an empty nester. I decided to write this article to share with others that it is okay to celebrate and feel liberated about being an empty nester and that there is no guilt necessary if you feel as good as I do. I have included 4 tips that are helping me through this transition and would love to hear from you if you have discovered others. Enjoy:

·         Have confidence in your children: Perhaps this is the reason I am celebrating so much, my job was to raise them to go out there and be great world citizens and they are ready. They were prepared to “leave the nest” and knew that it was their responsibility to venture out and try every opportunity that comes their way. We have worked very hard over the last thirty years to prepare them for their next adventure and they are ready, I am so excited to see great things they are involved in, their new adventures, the new people they meet, the ways that they will give back and we can’t experience that until they fly out on their own. That excitement and confidence in what they will accomplish overcomes any fear that might drive anxiety about having an empty nest. Have confidence in your children.

·         Rediscover a passion: Whether it is reading, sewing, gardening, or sky-diving - find something that has always been in the back of your mind to do, something that peaks your interest and try it. I have been experimenting with a few projects that I can dive into and stay into until complete (oftentimes hours later…without interruption!). Try something new and keep trying something until you find your passion. You will know it when you feel it, so keep trying new things until you find that “something” that fills you with energy. So often, we put ourselves on the back burner while tending to our family and may file away something we “just don’t have time for” - now is the perfect time. This may be a challenge because it is familiar to say, “I just don’t have time”, well, now is the perfect time, you are staring out on a new chapter yourself and stepping outside the box is a great way to begin. If nothing comes to mind immediately, explore, encourage yourself to venture out as you would have your children as they moved to new developmental levels.

·         Add movement to your life: Whether a walk with your spouse, dog, neighbor, friend, or running, swimming, biking - add movement to your life and begin immediately. Even if you already exercise, the physical requirements of having children and engaging in their activities and events in life take energy and create movement. With this natural experience of movement removed, it is easy to become sedentary (and maybe even feel a little depressed), get fit, stay fit, take a yoga class, start somewhere. Not only will this help you feel good, but taking a class will also help you engage in a social activity of your own. You no longer have a “natural” social circle of all of your kids’ parents to connect with at various events - so develop your own social activities and include exercise or movement into those experiences for a double benefit.

·         Experiment with a variety of schedules: Find a schedule that works for you: For thirty years my schedule has revolved around school, activities and later; waiting up until all of the teenagers were safely home and now, I don’t have to be concerned about any of that. We have been experimenting with scheduling around meals, exercising and quiet time and I have especially loved being able to ride my bike late in the afternoon without a dinner deadline and having quiet time in the early morning without having to get the kids to school. Since my office is in my home, this is the most impacting tip because my work schedule was closely intertwined with the kids’ daily activities so I am enjoying having new ways to think about how I structure my day. This has also been the most critical tip because without discovering a schedule that works for the new adventure that I am embarking on, I found I was artificially bound to a schedule that I had not had any control over and I needed to get in touch with a schedule that really worked for me. You may find that your regular routine works for you, but at least give this a try so that you can be intentional about a schedule that works for you.

I had the good fortune of being an early empty-nester; our youngest daughter was invited to participate in an early session at the University she is attending, so I am ahead of the curve. In a few weeks at the end of the summer, many more parents will be going through this experience of being a first-time empty nester and I wanted to let you all know that it is a wonderful time of life, embrace it. This doesn’t mean you aren’t going to miss your kids, nor does it mean that they won’t come back (those are both different articles). If you follow these four tips for successful empty nesting, you too, will be celebrating the new chapter that you are beginning; one filled with passion, new adventures, exploration and discovery of yourself and overflowing with pride and confidence that you have done your job, your children are ready and the world awaits them…and you.


 Kathy Stutzman is a free-lance writer, facilitator, trainer and evaluator working with groups and organizations to move ideas, visions and concepts forward. To contact her: kastutzm@smig.net, call at (507) 219-0912, on Twitter at @KathyStutzman or www.kathystutzman.blogspot.com

Sunday, May 5, 2013

A Mother’s Day Gift


A Mother’s Day Gift

May 9, 1995. The day I almost died. The day my daughter was born. A woman dying in childbirth in the 1990’s is almost unheard of, an anomaly. Imagine my husband’s shock when the doctors told him they did not know if I would live. I was equally stunned when the next day; I woke in intensive care with several doctors hovering over my bed. My last, blurry memory was the doctor saying the procedure was simple and should only take twenty minutes. My last vision was my older daughter holding my new baby as they wheeled me to the operating room. Images floated like a movie dream sequence.

We moved to rural Minnesota from Boulder, Colorado seven years ago with no plans to add to our family. When I discovered I was pregnant, I interviewed all the doctors available, settling for a team close to home. It was a little scary because my previous pregnancies had been complicated. Our first baby, now twelve years old, was born after eight weeks of premature labor and two-hour delivery. Our second died of cord strangulation. This pregnancy already had all the signs of a long ordeal.

I woke with that telltale feeling, called morning sickness, which for me lasted twenty-four hours a day, five months of the nine. Vomiting twelve times a day, unable to eat, smell or look at anything closely resembling food, I lost weight, At three months, after losing twelve pounds in ten days, I dragged myself to my doctor for help. I finally got relief from vitamin injections allowing me to eat again and get out of bed without the world spinning around me. Food began to taste good and my baby and I started growing again.
   
At twenty-five weeks, almost fully recovered from my marathon bouts of morning sickness, I was feeling good. Then the contractions began. At this point the baby’s chance of survival were extremely low so I was ordered to complete bed rest. Highly medicated and under close supervision, I worked from my bed: computer, telephone, and fax machine at hand. The contractions continued, my medication dosages increased, and my husband and I began researching information about premature babies. The cause of the contractions would remain a mystery until delivery. Inching closer to my due date, the urgency to maintain the pregnancy subsided. Finally, miraculously, we were just ten days away from the original due date.

On the first contraction my uterus ruptured, creating pain greater than anything I had ever experienced. Fortunately, my husband was at his office only minutes away and the hospital was close. By the sixth contraction I was pushing, and my husband was trying to get me into the car. By the eighth contraction the emergency room staff was trying to get me out of the car – despite the fact that my feet were firmly planted on the dashboard and I was convinced my baby would be born in the car. They yanked me out and got me into the elevator just in time for the baby’s head to crown. Minutes later, on the twelfth contraction she was born. For one split second I remember thinking, “Wow, it’s over—that was really fast.” Suddenly I realized our baby was not breathing. “What’s happening, what’s happening?” I cried hysterically from my bed, “Is she breathing? What’s wrong? Why isn't she making any noise?” The doctors and nurses were too busy trying to resuscitate the flaccid, blue baby to answer. After several agonizingly long minutes, she responded. Quietly at first, then working up to a stronger cry, she was breathing, but she was still floppy. They let me look at her beautiful little face for a moment, then whisked her away for additional medical care. I was stunned at the speed of the delivery and checked the clock for perspective. It was 4:45, the first contraction hit at 4:10. Wow! A little while later, a nurse came in to tell us our little baby was doing well and we could relax.

An hour later, I began shaking uncontrollably; warm blankets did not help. I was still bleeding and nothing seemed to stop the heavy flow. The doctor was getting frustrated with me and told me to stop resisting their efforts to massage my uterus. With each palpitation I could feel the blood pooling and gushing inside me. The pain was incredible. Everything was covered in blood. My slippers were soaked and the nurses kept replacing the blood filled chucks and blankets. Two hours later, the visibly concerned nurse urged the doctor to check me again. Two and one half hours after delivery, my blood pressure dropped severely, and my veins were on the verge of collapse, and the doctor decided to take me to the operating room for exploratory surgery. She told my husband and me that it would be a simple, twenty minute procedure. At 7:15 p.m., I was wheeled away and my husband, who had yet to eat, decided to go out while I was in surgery.
  
Hospital staff were waiting for him at the door as he returned (this is before cell phones) and rushed him to the operating area. My doctors explained that I was in serious condition; they could not find the source of the bleeding and they were not sure I would live. My hemoglobin had dropped dangerously low and they needed his permission to do a hysterectomy to try to stop the bleeding. He consented to the surgery and went to the nursery to wait with our baby. Minutes ticked into hours as he sat holding our precious daughter. Rocking with her, the hours passed and he wondered if she would grow up without knowing her mother. Finally, at 1:15 a.m., the doctors came to tell him when they lifted out my bladder they found the rupture in my uterus – it was shredded. The hysterectomy had stopped the hemorrhaging but I was still in critical condition.

I regained consciousness in intensive care, confused. The crowd hovering over me included three doctors, two anesthesiologists and two nurses. The anesthesia started to pull me back under while one doctor tried to explain that they had been forced to do a hysterectomy. I drifted back to sleep thinking, “Isn't it a little early to talk about birth control?” It was several days before I could comprehend what had happened. On Mother’s Day, over a week later, my baby and I went home. Although the healing process was slow, we have all fully recovered.

The birth of our second daughter brought us the unexpected, incredible gift of the awareness of our fragile existence. Shannon will be nineteen this May and her simple presence reminds us daily to cherish each moment.
  
Shannon and Kathy Getting Ready to Ring in 2013
 on New Year's Eve in Thailand
                 
Authors Note: I chose to put this story on my "Listening" blog as a call to action...although this happened 18 years ago, one of the things I remember clearly as my life was slipping away was that the doctor would not listen to me and kept blaming me for not cooperating when I complained of the pain, nor would she listen to the nurse who finally got her attention when she carried a chuck (a large blue plastic tarp-like fabric) filled with the blood that I had just lost...that finally got her attention. My recovery lasted close to six months as a result of the doctor's inattentiveness and unwillingness to listen, resulting in my massive blood loss. Doctors please listen to your patients, patients, please advocate on your own behalf and listen to your own body so you can accurately represent your situation. Everyone - listen to each other! Who knows whose life you may save...it could be your own...

Kathy Stutzman lives in Austin, Minnesota and celebrated her youngest's eighteenth birthday and subsequent graduation in June of 2013. Their family loves to travel, bike, play games and sit around the campfire and tell stories. Kathy is a writer, facilitator and world citizen who has chosen to live life to its fullest since her near death experience. Other blogs that Kathy writes include: onehundreddaysofgiving.blogspot.com and mamacarusocooks.blogspot.com and csksghana.blogspot.com To contact Kathy visit her kathystutzman.blogspot.com, @KathyStutzman or via e-mail www.mamacaruso@yahoo.com - What are you going to do today to live life to its fullest?