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| Shannon and Kathy celebrating New Year's Eve in Thailand |
Empty
Nesting? Hold the Tissue and Bring on the Biking Gear! Four Tips for Successful
Empty-Nesting.
After
thirty years, I have my life back and I am absolutely giddy about it. I know I
am not going to win any parenting awards by writing this, but it needs to be
said that empty-nesting is great! For the past few months as we approached my
youngest daughter’s high school graduation I was consoled in advance by so many
people who told me how hard it was going to be to let her go, how empty and lonely
my life would be and how quiet the house would become. Well, let me tell you
that of all of those boding predictions - my house is certainly quiet…and I love
it! Like any transitional time, there are challenges, but I am finding that I
was not adequately prepared for the challenges I am facing so I thought I would
share them so that others can be better prepared to enjoy and celebrate empty
nest.
For
thirty years I have been responsible for someone else. My children were spread
apart and as a result, I have been worrying, taking care of and having to plan
around my children since 1983. And, while I love my children dearly and they
are good kids every decision I have made in the last thirty years has been made
with their well-being, their schedule and activities in my mind. Granted
sometimes those decisions were made with other priorities in mind too, but
consideration was always given to the impact on my family. I realized what an
impact this had had on me when I was invited to attend a silent retreat over a
weekend this fall and it took my breath away to realize that this was the first
opportunity in thirty years that I would have to do something and I didn’t have
to think about who would be caring for my children while I was away. WOW what a
freeing feeling!
Lest
you think I gave up opportunities to go away or travel during the last 30
years, you might want to catch my food and travel blogs; I have led a
no-regrets life and have traveled extensively throughout my entire life
sometimes with my children and sometimes without. However, planning and
consideration always had to happen before I could undertake an adventure, whether
it was to Africa when my youngest was 2, or when traveling with one of my
children and not the other, or when my husband and I wanted to go away on a
little retreat of our own, we always had to think about what needed to happen
for the kids to be able to live their lives while we were gone. And
unfortunately, that hasn’t always gone smoothly -both of my daughters have stories
to tell about the ride that never picked them up from an activity, or a
hospital visit while their Mom was half way around the world. But those stories
build character and my kids have a lot of character.
The
difficulty in the transition to an empty nest has been finding a new schedule
that works for me, in not watching too much daytime TV (because I can and not
get caught by my kids who might pop home from school for lunch) and in trying not
to feel guilty that I am not feeling bad about being an empty nester. I decided
to write this article to share with others that it is okay to celebrate and
feel liberated about being an empty nester and that there is no guilt necessary
if you feel as good as I do. I have included 4 tips that are helping me through
this transition and would love to hear from you if you have discovered others. Enjoy:
·
Have confidence in your
children:
Perhaps this is the reason I am celebrating so much, my job was to raise them
to go out there and be great world citizens and they are ready. They were
prepared to “leave the nest” and knew that it was their responsibility to
venture out and try every opportunity that comes their way. We have worked very
hard over the last thirty years to prepare them for their next adventure and
they are ready, I am so excited to see great things they are involved in, their
new adventures, the new people they meet, the ways that they will give back and
we can’t experience that until they fly out on their own. That excitement and confidence
in what they will accomplish overcomes any fear that might drive anxiety about
having an empty nest. Have confidence in your children.
·
Rediscover a passion: Whether it is
reading, sewing, gardening, or sky-diving - find something that has always been
in the back of your mind to do, something that peaks your interest and try it. I
have been experimenting with a few projects that I can dive into and stay into
until complete (oftentimes hours later…without interruption!). Try something
new and keep trying something until you find your passion. You will know it
when you feel it, so keep trying new things until you find that “something”
that fills you with energy. So often, we put ourselves on the back burner while
tending to our family and may file away something we “just don’t have time for”
- now is the perfect time. This may be a challenge because it is familiar to
say, “I just don’t have time”, well, now is the perfect time, you are
staring out on a new chapter yourself and stepping outside the box is a great
way to begin. If nothing comes to mind immediately, explore, encourage yourself
to venture out as you would have your children as they moved to new
developmental levels.
·
Add movement to your
life: Whether
a walk with your spouse, dog, neighbor, friend, or running, swimming, biking -
add movement to your life and begin immediately. Even if you already exercise,
the physical requirements of having children and engaging in their activities
and events in life take energy and create movement. With this natural experience
of movement removed, it is easy to become sedentary (and maybe even feel a
little depressed), get fit, stay fit, take a yoga class, start somewhere. Not
only will this help you feel good, but taking a class will also help you engage
in a social activity of your own. You no longer have a “natural” social circle
of all of your kids’ parents to connect with at various events - so develop
your own social activities and include exercise or movement into those
experiences for a double benefit.
·
Experiment with a
variety of schedules:
Find a schedule that works for you: For thirty years my schedule has revolved
around school, activities and later; waiting up until all of the teenagers were
safely home and now, I don’t have to be concerned about any of that. We have
been experimenting with scheduling around meals, exercising and quiet time and
I have especially loved being able to ride my bike late in the afternoon without
a dinner deadline and having quiet time in the early morning without having to
get the kids to school. Since my office is in my home, this is the most
impacting tip because my work schedule was closely intertwined with the kids’
daily activities so I am enjoying having new ways to think about how I
structure my day. This has also been the most critical tip because without
discovering a schedule that works for the new adventure that I am embarking on,
I found I was artificially bound to a schedule that I had not had any control
over and I needed to get in touch with a schedule that really worked for me.
You may find that your regular routine works for you, but at least give this a
try so that you can be intentional about a schedule that works for you.
I
had the good fortune of being an early empty-nester; our youngest daughter was
invited to participate in an early session at the University she is attending,
so I am ahead of the curve. In a few weeks at the end of the summer, many more
parents will be going through this experience of being a first-time empty
nester and I wanted to let you all know that it is a wonderful time of life,
embrace it. This doesn’t mean you aren’t going to miss your kids, nor does it
mean that they won’t come back (those are both different articles). If you
follow these four tips for successful empty nesting, you too, will be
celebrating the new chapter that you are beginning; one filled with passion,
new adventures, exploration and discovery of yourself and overflowing with
pride and confidence that you have done your job, your children are ready and
the world awaits them…and you.
